Folake Bee 0:16
Hello and welcome. My name is Philip K b and this is the healing centre, a series of podcasts for the free spirits solopreneurs heart centred entrepreneurs and changemakers lead in the New Age world. We are on learning and releasing echoes of what no longer serves us as we expand into new possibilities. On this week's episode, we're talking about recovery and healing from narcissistic relationships. Joining me in today's episode is Kelly Castle, a mompreneur who specialises in the subconscious mind and gives women the tools to break free from self sabotaging behaviours. Kelly gives a first hand account of what many may not even recognise as narcissistic relationships, and for those who have undergone such the recovery process, and tools to really emerge from this. But before that, I like to share with you my moments of reflection.
I've just come out from a three day master class, well, I can't master class, but it's really an activation, a 3d activation workshop that was all about activating the alchemist within us. And this download was all about how we, you know, we tap into our creative ability to transform, not just ourselves, but to transform the world around us, like this idea of like the alchemist that transform leading to gold. So how can we bring this, this scale this gifts that we already have, into our own lives of creating something out of nothing. So it was like an amazing three days of really, like putting out beautiful content. And as I was just finishing the third day, it got me thinking about where we find ourselves right now in terms of like this economic, political, social crisis, that's, you know, we're in and it doesn't matter which part of the world you reside in, you will be feeling the impact. So you'll be hearing about this. And it got me thinking into different people's approaches to navigate this, this phase that we find ourselves because as I speak to, you know, different people, I see the different perspective in opinions and how people are navigating it, there are people who are just like, Okay, I'm just gonna, I think we should just keep our head down, keep our costs low,
spend less, be less, do less. And perhaps maybe we'll come out of it the other hand, saying, and then I also speak to, you know, some people who are using this moment to really, like uplevel, in ways that I've never seen before, like, they're still like building momentum, and they're still doing amazing things and their business and growing. And they're really, really just pushing forward. And I was reflecting on this two sides of perspective or approach to navigate this time, and filling into my own feelings of how I see this time. And personally, you know, I'm from that side of things that it may feel that this is a time for us to put our head down, and really just like, keep things on the low. It may feel like that's the case that or that's the way we should approach things. But my instinct, my, you know, that fire in my womb tells me that is not the way forward that this is the time that we should really look to uplevel to look to rise to go against the norm to do things differently to even how we've done it before. Because I always say this, this like mirroring
And in this situation, I see this perfectly, this thing of like, where we are being mirrored back to us the opposite of the real situation. So for many people, you know, all this says the fear all this is the scarcity, or this is the, the trauma, all the C's, the chaos, but really, underneath that is actually the true reflection, which is that we're going through an ascension, we're going through
a rebirth in we're going through crowds, you know, and depending on which side of the coin, that you are looking at this, this situation from, that's how you're going to be behaving. And that's what the energy that you're going to be writing. So when I was doing this three day master class, and I was taking them through this process of actually, how do we build momentum,
it just came to me that this is what we need right now. This is what we need, we need to tap into our own ways of building momentum. And that's what an alchemist does, really, you know,
an alchemist is somebody that finds that process or find the recipe to create something and do it over and over again. So how can we in this times instead of like keeping our head down, so instead of like, you know, spending less keeping our costs less
being in fear? How can we, like come back home to ourselves, and really re evaluate things and really see things for what they really are, like our growth. So far, how far we've come was worked for us, you know, up to this point. And using that as the catalyst to build momentum is sort of like getting stuck in the external narrative, and getting stuck in the noise and in the fear, perhaps, maybe this is the time for you to come back home into a you know, come back home into your own power, reevaluate how you've always move through chaos, and come back very strongly with your own blueprint of how you are going to quantum leap out of this moment.
For me, this is a much more empowering way. And if you'd like to, perhaps maybe download those, we call them, the three, the three is like a sequence or three
code sequence to Quantum Leap and using the tools of the alchemist. If you'd like to download that, you know, just contact me or neither Facebook or Instagram, and I'll send you the link for it in this masterclass and go through step by step, the different polls that we need to work through to Quantum Leap and change any aspect of our lives. The 2123 or more aspects of our lives are Can we do that and approach that the way an alchemist does, you know, using energy using like our own intuitive gifts.
I love this way of creativity. And if you'd like the link, just message me on Facebook or Instagram, and I'll send it to you
welcome back, I hope to this moment of reflection gave you something to inspire action as usual. Now, let's move on to this week's episode, which is a discussion between myself and Kelly castle on recovery and healing from narcissistic relationships.
I was just saying before
that I really truly believe that so many people still do not know about narcissistic behaviours, they do not know about how dangerous being in that situation or that relationship can be. That's perhaps so many people still take it as normal behaviour, especially when you are in a relationship. And I felt like there is no better person to almost for me to explore this. This this idea with and specifically focusing on how you heal
from Narssism, because so I've spoken to other like a couple of other people. And one of the things that
I sort of have picked on is
like the health implication of the other person in the relationship, and how they can be broken down so much that at least like mental health, so it feels to me it's like, it's a big thing. And there's no better person than someone who has been, you know, very close to it, and someone now you're helping other women recover from it. So I wanted to start with this idea of like, how, like, first of all, like, what are the characteristics or their characteristics of, of narcissism or someone being a narcissistic person and their characteristics?
Kayleigh Castle 10:59
There are stereotypical characteristics, but that's what's so difficult about pinpointing it and noticing it, because it's not, there's not a specific, right or can they behave X Y, Zed? It depends on each individual, individual person and how they're
and how we manifest in with that person, if that makes sense. So they say like
Unknown Speaker 11:24
Unknown Speaker 11:27
What's the stereotypical now isn't it comes across as the confident and that they they love themselves? And that's not necessarily that's the that's there's a scale of narcissism, you know, and for me, the narcissists that are the ones that are dangerous, and the ones that are so good at it that you can't see it's a case of
Kayleigh Castle 11:49
that the narcissist The reason they're a narcissist is because the car at their car is is insecurity is
the lack of that the belief that they're unlovable like that, that no one. But so they've learned to manipulate people from a very, very, very young age, things, the behaviour that they do are ingrained in them. They're not like
Unknown Speaker 12:15
it's little sort of things and it's depends on each individual, individual relationships are there, they work out your, your insecurities, and then they play to those. So it ends up that and that's why it's different in so many relationships. There's no like, oh, well, that's so obvious.
Unknown Speaker 12:32
And that's why I never saw it for you know, it's not something I realised until I was in my 30s that I'd been in relationships with narcissists. Until, until I was 13. They really had a label, I never really understood why I was so
Unknown Speaker 12:47
entwined with these men why I felt so connected to them, like, you know, addicted, it was it I was I was addicted to these men. And I could I just thought it was my personality. And it wasn't until I started looking into
Unknown Speaker 13:04
being an empath. Someone said to me, Oh, you're very empathic, and I'd never heard that word before. So I started reading books on being on empathy and where that comes from and how that how that's created. And these are the polar opposite to an empath is a narcissist, and that's why they attract each other because the polar opposites and the empath is a giver and will always give any eights, if you are an insecure Empath, you will, you will, you will have boundaries, and you'll give because that's how you validate yourself. And the narcissist picks up on that so they know that they can take and take and take because they have a void that can never be filled. So the two together, it's like you pulled in and it's it becomes like a cycle that makes absolute sense actually, that this this pool of the empath and a narcissistic person, but there was something that you said there that actually gave me chills was this thing of like, they know like, your weaknesses or your insecurities. And then they use that. So you could could be in a relationship where you just feel like you're not being yourself or you are too much or whatever it is.
Unknown Speaker 14:20
But really is you're being played in that scenario, can you can we can we explore that a little bit more? So for me, my I'll explain in how it worked for in my story. And it's well nice when I was started working with you when I realised that it was it was an energy thing. So when I met this man I've known him for so I'd had different issues with this is the one that stuck in my mind because this is the one that really this is when I started to realise that I was in this toxic this toxic circle. And I knew what I was doing and I knew what he was doing but I couldn't break free from it. I allowed him to do it and then I would get really angry at myself for allowing someone to treat me like that.
Unknown Speaker 15:00
then had let him back in. And it was like, What are you doing so and it was like this internal battle. So when I first met him, we bumped into each other. And
Unknown Speaker 15:10
at that time in my life, it was in a really bad, you know,
Unknown Speaker 15:15
bad relationship after bad relationship. I wasn't as wasn't in a good place, I was lonely.
Unknown Speaker 15:21
And it's like the heat, it's like he knew with like, it's like, he sensed it.
Unknown Speaker 15:26
And he, you know,
Unknown Speaker 15:29
he, he was married as well. So
Unknown Speaker 15:32
Unknown Speaker 15:34
wasn't interested at first. But it was I will just be friends, we can just be friends, we could just talk and because I was loyal, and I don't, you know, condone my behaviour, what I did was wrong. But at the time I was lonely. And the attention, you know, the attention was, was what I wanted at the time. So it was a drip feed of text messages in and picking up on.
Unknown Speaker 15:57
It just knew that I was lost, he fed me the validation that I needed at the time. And then it was like drip and then drip fed in. And he just
Unknown Speaker 16:08
it's like he would he was like, he would be able to sense when I was pulling away. I didn't even need to say anything, you would just send something he would feed me whatever it was at the time that I needed to hear. And, again, I do not condone it, but when you are in an insecure place, and you're an empath, and then he would he'd feed me what I needed. And then he would pull away and that's how you create the addiction in the brain is the is that is to is like it you know, like the hormones the chemicals that you know, there are internal chemicals and get the wave of chemicals, he pulled them away and get withdrawals and need the more so then you would go back. And this cycle went on for like six months. And
Unknown Speaker 16:50
the thing with nurses when people say oh, we know that it's the confident people.
Kayleigh Castle 16:55
The confident people I know who are in healthier, happier marriages and relationships and a genuinely like, happy internally. Don't even recognise what NASA says is a mess because they've never experienced it because the narcissist will never attempt to control or having a relationship with a confident person because they're never going to they're never going to get the need their needs met from that person because as soon as they start to try and take a confident person, what they'll have boundaries in place in the black. Absolutely not, you're not coming in. Whereas an insecure person who seeks validation are the people you allow that energy in.
Unknown Speaker 17:32
And isn't isn't the fact as well that they're very good at manipulating situation. Yeah, if you're the chameleons, they change the wherever you need them to be in that moment in time that is what they will they will give you and what's so crazy is I didn't even I barely spent physical time with this man like really like he he was it was more of a phone call text conversation. There wasn't it wasn't like he was there all the time. This control was it was all in the mind. It was
Kayleigh Castle 18:04
just drip fed, like he would pick up on.
And I don't even need to say much. It wasn't an act. It was energy he knew he knew inst instinctively where I was and what and what to say. Because I knew at the time, I was I was quite good with people. So I knew I thought if I was like, am I being manipulated? Am I now you know, questions that question myself and then I got to the point and then when the doubt came in so I started sharing it with friends and friends was like Kayla, are you are you absolutely are you notice here like what are you doing? What are you doing with this man? What is a waste of space? Absolutely not get rid? Like, why are you why are you loading in love? Why are you doing this?
Unknown Speaker 18:48
And even though
Unknown Speaker 18:50
I went back, I went back and I couldn't. And I just was and then the final straw before you. But I think I just want to pick on that thing that you just said about you said to question your own self and I think this is one of the
Unknown Speaker 19:07
this is one of the most serious aspects of actually being in a relationship like that this in around gaslighting because I believe when like, you get into that situation where you are questioning your own reality, whether actually designed misbehave or I might did I see that or like they knew or put into that position where you start to question your own reality. I think it becomes really, really like Syria. And I have these boundaries now of like, zero tolerance for us for gaslighting, like if I feel anybody's, like anybody puts me into a situation where I just had to question my own reality or what I said why do you say and I'm not actually I have like unlike me? Absolutely. But at the time, I didn't even I got you know it was
Unknown Speaker 20:00
It was all it was all of learning was fina feeding the compliments and it was who I miss. It was when the bid the penny, the winner, the the doubt Creek team was when I would be having like, this relationship for like, three, three months. And I went away for the weekend. And he texts me to say,
Unknown Speaker 20:18
I really miss You're right. I remember thinking, What do you mean, you miss me? Like, I remember thinking, What do you mean, you miss me? Like I'm not, I'm not there in your life to miss in the first place.
Unknown Speaker 20:32
And I question and then that that was a bit for me. I was just like, because you knew like, because that's what everyone wants to be missed when you go where you want to be missed out. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 20:40
And I was then started questioning him. And then it was like, and that's exactly what you said, I'd say something. And I'd you know,
Unknown Speaker 20:50
what's the word you use? pointed out, you know, texting or ringing blah, blah, you know, this, this and this and this behaviour? And it's like, well, no, that's not the case. And that's, you know, that's just you. And you've just another like, ah,
Unknown Speaker 21:07
oh, yeah. And then you'd see it from their point of view. And that's what you and this is the circle that ended up then that how I was feeling a certain way. I was feeling like crap, I was feeling sad. And I was still feeling lonely. And I felt used.
Unknown Speaker 21:23
But he was telling me that I wasn't. So I was like, Alright, okay, then. And then you start to apologise yourself. Like, there'll be a situation where you shouldn't be apologise, and but then you end up apologising for, I apologise if I have to go with him in the first place. So it would be what he would do is he would say to me how much you want to see me how much even how much you miss me how much you want to touch me how much he thought, you adored me, and then he would be coming to see me. And then five minutes before he was coming to see me, it takes me to say I'm not coming. So you'd get all that. But this buildup of this excitement of someone wanting to see ya, and then he wouldn't Sure, then I get crossed. And then I was like,
Kayleigh Castle 22:00
What am I doing? I'm single, like, why am I why am I chasing this mountain is only available man, when I am single, and there are, but I don't want any of them. And I want to expand because if this, this, this push pull thing that we had, that we know was just, and that's when it went on for when it got to about six months. And I couldn't cope with it anymore. I can cope with the withdrawal. And it was like I was being pulled into because my brain was telling me
Unknown Speaker 22:30
you do this, it doesn't feel good. You're not You're not, you're not getting what you think that you're getting from this, you think you're getting some sort of satisfaction, like, you know, you can get six elsewhere. You know, what, what is this man supposed to be giving you. And at that point when I was questioning it, and couldn't work out what this man was giving me. But yet here I was painting after him. I was like, Oh, I feel stuck this, how do I get out with how to get out of this? You know, and up to the point where we'd had an argument and I would like and I was like your analysis and I know exactly what you're trying to do. And I can see trying to manipulate it. And at that point, that's when he came in with the
Kayleigh Castle 23:04
he bought the big guns out then it was you know, the sob sob story of why he was behaving like this. And he's so want to treat him like this. And I got the sob story. And then because it was an empath, that I fell for it and I said, Oh, okay, I understand now I understand why you're behaving the way you are. And I forgive you.
Unknown Speaker 23:22
And then the cycle again. And then. So the final time, who's always said His thing was, you know, I don't you can't tell my wife just don't ever be part of it. Tell my wife.
Unknown Speaker 23:35
And in my mind, I was wouldn't would have never have told her anywhere. Because in my head, I was like, that's his life. That's his problem. I can just walk away. Why would I need to get involved and tell her she can find out in her own time wherever you're getting? And I'm pretty sure whether I
Unknown Speaker 23:50
sorry, she would?
Unknown Speaker 23:52
Surely she knows already. Because this is I think this is one of the things that I've heard about, you know, narcissistic people with that sort of it is a mental health issue. So that's how I'm going to clarify, you know, classified is that they have this
Unknown Speaker 24:12
you know, they love themselves and they want to be seen as a good person in the Oh yeah, they might even think that they're a good person, but they hate anything that is going to stop attach that that view of them to the outside world. And for him that was a risk that is what was going to know, you know, to the outside world he was Miss You know, he's got an EAD built himself a business to the outside world, him and his wife were these these these, you know, beautiful people that did all that they spent all that their time together, you know, he built this image of
Unknown Speaker 24:47
this, this this life that he was in was a lovely, you know, a lovely person.
Unknown Speaker 24:53
And before we go back before we actually go deeper into how
Unknown Speaker 25:00
that then worked out and what happened?
Unknown Speaker 25:04
I have a question around.
Unknown Speaker 25:08
Unknown Speaker 25:10
difficult or how easy is it for people to classify other people as some nasty, nasty narcissistic, because some of the things that we mentioned here about, you know,
Unknown Speaker 25:23
you know, when you're in a relationship with them, and they promised this and they don't leave, or et cetera, Cetera could also be characteristics of a normal relationship, or even a normal person, you know, a normal person could, could potentially have some of those attributes. And I always feel like, you know, is there a danger of calling someone
Unknown Speaker 25:48
nasty enough as a narcissistic person?
Unknown Speaker 25:54
When they're not? Like how, and I know, this is like, a difficult, it could be a difficult question for you. But I think it's worth exploring, like
Unknown Speaker 26:04
how do we know we're really dealing with a narcissistic person, as opposed to just the normal issues and problems in a relationship?
Unknown Speaker 26:15
You can't, for me, how I did it was was was the was how it was making me feel. That's how I did it.
Unknown Speaker 26:23
Because I was, oh, he would always get me. Whatever I said in terms of, if I tried to categorise it, well, you're doing this, this and this. And that makes narcistic he would always have a counter argument, he would always have a counterbalance. He was always.
Unknown Speaker 26:37
So for me, I was again, always questioning, you know, Will? So for me, it was, well, how does it make me feel? How does it How am I feeling with this person.
Unknown Speaker 26:48
And when I'm with this, you know what?
Unknown Speaker 26:52
And it was that that feeling of being torn into that I couldn't trust my couldn't, he could have got to the point where I couldn't trust my own instincts, I couldn't trust how I felt. And that was, that was the bit when it really brought me down was that I can't
Unknown Speaker 27:08
I can't trust my emotions, that their mind that, you know, my body creates these for a reason. And I've got to a place where I can't trust what my body is telling me. I would question myself, well, is this is this is this love? Is it not love? Is this last? Is this? What is this? I'm feeling is this right? And I will constantly and that, you know, but just drove me to drink. I just, I just Just drink a lot.
Kayleigh Castle 27:35
Many people are in the women and men are in this relationship right now. Like what you've just explained, and actually is leading them to having to like get into depression and being on medication. This happens a lot. And a lot of people can't even get out of it. So with yours, how well how does it play out? And how did you get to detach yourself out of this?
Unknown Speaker 28:03
So when I started to feel when I started to question myself, and then what, you know what I was so adamant that was that was not going to be seeing this guy anymore. I'm not that see, I'm done. And I was stop. And then a week later, I'd be pining for him. And then I would seek him out. He wouldn't even I would say, I'd send him. And I went through about about four SIM cards trying to get rid of like, so I could have so I can contact him. And I would then seek him out. You know, it was he wasn't always chasing me. I would, you know, to the point where I think once I sent him, I sent him an email to his work email, because I got rid of all contact of him that the only contact I had was his email on because I could get it online. I remember thinking this is this is not, you've just you've just
Unknown Speaker 28:48
got really, you've got really SIM cards, you've just to then seek him out anyway, like, what are you doing? And this cycle went on for however many months. And I just was like, what was the whole cycle was five years? No, they took me five years to completely cut him off. But in the initial it was, and then I realised that it was a control. He knew we had that control over me. And I was like, right, how do I cook? Then how do I cut him off to the point where he's because the only way this is going to work is to separate where he doesn't want to come. He doesn't want to come back because he when if I cut him off, he will just be there. We're in knowing that I'd come back. And when I came back, that's a control thing. He knows I'm always going to come back and he's always you know, because that's what NASA says like that coming back is that power. It's known that they've got you and they're able to suck you in and that's that is the game they enjoy. And that's why they play the cut you off bring you in because it's that power of pulling you back in at the end joy. And I was like how do I cook that and I was like, well, he thinks I will ever tell his wife.
Unknown Speaker 29:57
So by telling his wife that's telling him that he knows
Unknown Speaker 30:00
Longer has control over me. And I chewed on it for about two weeks. And I was just like I couldn't couldn't afford a cat out of
Unknown Speaker 30:09
not out of fear of her out of the fear of letting him go.
Unknown Speaker 30:14
That's how addictive it was. It was like letting go of a drug it was saying, I knew that when I told his wife that was, he was going to disappear.
Unknown Speaker 30:24
And then it was like I was that void was going it was going to be a void. And then that is awful feeling because I'm like, Well,
Unknown Speaker 30:31
how low is that? That you're that you're that you're pining for that kind of energy? Like, what? What is going on Kayla? So I eventually did tell his wife. And it worked. It worked. It worked in the in the short run, it worked. And in that time, from the experience that I had, I realised that I had issues that the way that that I that that poll and that push and pull, and the way that I was allowing this man to treat me. And I could see it, it was like watching it was like watching myself, like watch. I think that when I do my videos on tic TOCs, because the so intertwined into your energy. For me, the biggest
Unknown Speaker 31:15
point or the biggest thing is when they're saying something, but their actions say differently. So he's telling you, he loves you. He telling me you think she's the most amazing woman in the world. He's telling you, I can't live without your, but you haven't seen him for two weeks. So it's like, well, that don't make sense. And that's now how I, I did I'm not you can tell me, you know, this last and there's love and there's there's narcissists. And it's, you can tell them until you're blue in the face how much you love me. I'm not interested in your words, like I need to see that in your behaviour now. And that because for me, that is one of the only things that is a really,
Unknown Speaker 31:56
like I said, because it is so different for everybody. Because it depends, is it's an it's an energy and it's at the end of the day you a narcissist is is super insecure. And they attract we attract like, you know, it's the insecurity that you're both vibrating at.
Unknown Speaker 32:13
So for me, it was like, right, okay, I'm so insecure that I will let someone treat me like this. How do I? How do I What do I do about that? And that was my first awakening, really, of, of healing of the word healing of going in, of looking at myself reflecting and not just living out the patterns, because I've just been living out these patterns all my life, it was like, oh, right, now we're going to do something.
Unknown Speaker 32:41
And it was realising I was insecure. And that was what was allowing these people in, and then what did you do? So what did you do? What some?
Unknown Speaker 32:52
What did you do with that person? Listen, I'm going okay, so like, I'm in that situation. I stopped it and straight away I stopped dating and that was it. I said, right. Okay. We're going to celibate for however long I think it was just short of the year that I just because I said I need to. And then I looked back and I thought, I've spent all my life pining after a man whether it was whether it's indeed in with regard to text me on Tinder, or whether it was in an actual relationship, or whether it was I'd spent my entire life pining for the attention of somebody else to validate me.
Unknown Speaker 33:28
And so, first port of call was working out where that came from. Why do I feel that way? And that was when
Unknown Speaker 33:37
I went to I went to therapy, talk talk therapy at first. And that was that created an awareness of why I was doing what I did. It created the awareness of why I allowed people to treat me that way. But it didn't stop me from it didn't stop me from doing it. Really, I still
Unknown Speaker 33:54
ended up seeking out validation, like okay, well, if being aware of your were aware of why you allow people to treat you like crap, but you still do it. What's the next phase and the next phase was
Unknown Speaker 34:09
I did a self sabotage costs, because I was self sabotaging. And it was the hypnosis was the and that was when I came into that was my first ever understanding of the brain and the subconscious and how our subconscious is programmed when we are children. And that is, you know, that we have patterns and we follow those patterns because it's what's repeated. And unless we become aware of them, and actively change them, then they will continue to run through your life and mine was seeking validation because I didn't get that love that I wanted from my parents as a child. So,
Unknown Speaker 34:47
Amelia, a man because I didn't have a dad. My dad wasn't around. I didn't need my dad. So I was 18 and had a stepdad from the age of five and that wasn't a healthy relationship. So I seek
Unknown Speaker 35:00
This validation in men for as a child, it was really it was, I wasn't really looking for love, I was looking to be looked after I was looking for something, you know, that a father figure really have.
Unknown Speaker 35:12
And it was, I will always seek that unless I heal that, that feeling of what's current, what's creating that I need to learn that now I'm not a five year old child, I am now 30 year old woman. And I can give those things that I am seeking in other people to myself.
Unknown Speaker 35:30
And it was took me about 12 months of listening to hypnosis, and just reading and, you know, reading about this stuff to create a new repetition, that aware, you know, to push up the old, you have to repeat the new. And so for 12 months, I repeated the new stuff over and over and over and over again. Because I realised, at the core of it, I didn't I didn't, I didn't think I was lovable. I didn't think I didn't love myself, and I wasn't lovable. And there's those were the that was my programme that was running. And that's why I allowed people to treat me badly in relationships. Because the car, my brain saw that as safe. It was like, Oh, well, this is what you're used to you used to not be loved. So this is what you will get hence why I was what hence why I wanted the man that was married because he was never ever going to be able to give me anything. And my brain basically told me that that's what I deserved.
Kayleigh Castle 36:25
The research that I've done, it says that at the core of NASA at the core of analysis, it's the attachment with the mother. So from from from a from a tiny bit there, they did not get their needs met by them. So it's not even a case of five or six or seven eighths newborn throughout the attachment, you know, the the really important attachment fears not to find that they're basically their needs were not met by them, although they they did not have,
Unknown Speaker 36:54
they have an attachment issue. So basically, as that is a massive hits the base of the biggest word that you can have, it's like, you know, it's what causes drug addicts, that lack of attachment, that lack of love from the mother, and it's a hole that will never be fixed. And that's why people say to you, if you're in if you are
Unknown Speaker 37:14
what you don't realise in relation with the narcissist, you either accepted for the person that they are and the way that they're going to treat you or your walk away because you never you can't fix them. They're not even when they have different studies on Mike, people who know the narcissist and they've gone to therapy. And that void is so deeply entrenched ingrained into their
Unknown Speaker 37:35
DNA that everything they are their core. They can there, it's very unlikely there, there'll be aware and they'll be able to, but they can't, the lack of that lack of attachment, it makes them it makes them numb. So they can pretend to love and they can pretend to have compassion and they can pretend to understand. On the inside, they don't feel what we feel they don't have those emotions. And that was one, sorry to win you there's so if they don't have emotions, and they don't have remorse like we do, when you then told his wife as a way to totally detach from him. What happened then? Did he take that as like Did he graciously go Okay, you go your way. And what you did here I didn't hear from him at all that was it, he disappeared
Unknown Speaker 38:28
Unknown Speaker 38:30
I want to say a year, maybe maybe a bit longer. And then I started to increase in that space when he disappeared. I started to increase my self worth doing all the stuff that I just said that I was doing. So really, my energy was coming slowly coming out of insecure really wasn't attracted to me any minute anymore because he would I wasn't going to do what he wanted me to do. So and that's how and that that is the escape this is what I tried to say to people you cannot control and that you can't change in our success you can you can damage the narcissist you cannot change anybody else's behaviour. You cannot you cannot
Unknown Speaker 39:13
you can't fix anybody else you can't you have to all you can do is control you and your feelings and and fix Well not necessarily fix but just heal wherever it is about you. And whatever wounds are attracting in the crap will eventually drop away if you just concentrate on the love that you have for yourself and that void of that seeking validation comes from you've never given yourself love you've never you've never felt that for you. You've never you've always got I've always gone on he'll love me and she'll even down to friends like you know my I put a lot of pressure on my friends when I was a child to give me these feelings that I needed to the point where you know when I was younger I think so maybe I was slightly narcissistic when I was younger because I used to just need peace
Unknown Speaker 40:00
people's attention. Because I've needed validate, and because I couldn't give it myself.
Unknown Speaker 40:06
And that's the, that's the Escape is okay? Work on you have those have the awareness of that you that you that you are insecure that you've got a lack of confidence, and work on that and start because it's not that you, you know, just really rediscover that confidence because it hasn't disappeared, it just needs rediscovering and just increase those feelings. And then
Unknown Speaker 40:31
instinctively, you will not attract narcissists anymore because the interested in you, they don't find you attractive, you haven't got the qualities that they need, because you will, once you create confidence in yourself, or rediscover it, sorry, you create boundaries, and then you won't allow people and they can instinctively
Unknown Speaker 40:52
when I met you and started working with you, and we did the inner child work, because he came back into my life for the third time when I was, and I was entertaining it again. And I was describing it to you. And I was saying to you, he sets my skin on fire. Like, he's like, why if this man, is this monster, bad? Why is it? Why does my body want him so so much? And it was only then when I realised about
Unknown Speaker 41:18
that. That's your when your body has that response to somebody? I thought that was a good thing, because that's all I've ever really known. And actually, it's a fear response is your body picking up on the fact that he's dangerous before your mind picks up on it. So those warnings always feel those those sparks that that electricity that you know this, this energetic pull towards him. And these butterflies and all these all these things I described that I thought was good energy, were actually my buddy go in a II, Rudy the opposite direction, stop, stop.
Unknown Speaker 41:55
But because I've never experienced
Unknown Speaker 41:59
the good stuff, I'd never didn't have anything to compare it to. So to me, that was what?
Unknown Speaker 42:05
Yeah, and it wasn't. Because he said, so it's your body as well like feeling like you're so used to that, those chemicals. So your body needs to feed it, you know,
Unknown Speaker 42:19
back so that you can feed yourself both of you. Just in this relationship of just like feeding yourself like just feet. Yeah, feeding ourselves Exactly. And it was when you describe to my user settimo when you do work on yourself, and you start to and you start to grow, and your energy grows, you you'll glow and you'll attract moths and you'll attract Pete because like I said to the how like, he wasn't just the only one there were about four or five x's that all of a sudden were texting me and wanting to come back into my life. And I was like,
Unknown Speaker 42:49
What do I do with this? Like, is this? Is this a sign am I supposed to and you were like, No, you it's like moths to a flame doesn't mean that they deserve your attention. And you need to whatever it is that those people were giving you, you need to give that to yourself.
Unknown Speaker 43:06
validate yourself and work on that. And that's when I started. The final chapter was the inner the inner child work the deep inner child work like meditating and actually
Unknown Speaker 43:19
not confident in but me in my inner child, like you mentioned in that she was there. Because I'd real I'd never done that I basically ignored. I put my little chat I put my child into into a box and locked that box. And she was never coming out because she was ashamed of her and she was stupid and naughty, and don't ever come out ever again. And it was when I met you and it was like, Okay, it's what's in that box is that's going to fix all this stuff. Kayla, you need to you need to you need to open that box. So I want to I want to open the box just before we finish this, and also link it to like while you're actually doing that. So I know that this story didn't finish it didn't end well. Because there was something that happened with his wife and they you heard
Unknown Speaker 44:03
Yeah. Can you tell me about that? And also, yeah, can you first of all, tell me what what happened?
Unknown Speaker 44:13
Always, always makes me cry.
Unknown Speaker 44:18
So the way that he'd made me feel in that short period of time, to the point where I couldn't trust myself, and relive it had all happened in like, an eight month period. And I used to just think because he used to make out to the east. You know, his wife didn't love him and she didn't give him what he needed. And you know, she was painted her to be the bad guy.
Unknown Speaker 44:42
And my heart knew that wasn't the case. You know, I could
Unknown Speaker 44:47
I wasn't I wasn't getting involved. And I used to think to myself, if I feel like this after eight months,
Unknown Speaker 44:54
she'd already been in a relationship with them. They'd only been married a short period, but they've been together
Unknown Speaker 45:00
have a quite a few years. And I just thought,
Unknown Speaker 45:04
how would you get out of that after like eight years if that if that's how I feel that's how strongly and it was so hard for me to break off after eight months. And I'm a
Unknown Speaker 45:15
introvert comes with a confident person I was I was a strong, strong willed, and it nearly broke me. What does that do to someone who doesn't have strong? Well, how do they how do they break free? And the answer is, can they can they do that? And that's why so many people stay in abusive relationships. So
Unknown Speaker 45:36
I'd always doubt it, I always doubt myself that will kill how to you? Maybe it's not a narcissist, maybe he just, maybe maybe we loved it, you know, maybe it was great with his wife, and he just treat you like that. And, you know, they have this wonderful life and you've got no idea and you don't know his life, you don't see it. You've just got your perception. And maybe your perception is wrong, right? Maybe it's wrong. And then
Unknown Speaker 46:02
my best friend rang me up. And she just said, she because she reads the obituaries on a Sunday. Every Sunday, she reads the obituaries. And she rang me up and she said, She's, I'm gonna send you a picture of this, who I think it is. And she sent me a picture of, she said, with the name of this man's wife.
Unknown Speaker 46:18
And I was just Maha. I was like, No, that's it can't be right.
Unknown Speaker 46:23
So I asked a friend of a friend to like, because obviously, I had not had contact with this man for a long time. So I was just like,
Unknown Speaker 46:29
put some you know. And so a message about same yay, is his wife and she's committed suicide.
Unknown Speaker 46:38
Unknown Speaker 46:42
I just thought
Unknown Speaker 46:47
just, I felt
Unknown Speaker 46:49
it wasn't even have I dealt with the guilt and shame years before of what I'd done. It was more of
Unknown Speaker 46:57
and then the guilt and shame was about like, the stereotypical because I cheat. You know, it was someone's wife than this was about Woman to Woman, knowing what I went through and knowing that somebody else had gone through that, and she had nobody, you know, and I'd done that to another woman that was the that was what was her intimate knowing that
Unknown Speaker 47:19
what I'd gone through and all that stuff. And she and I just felt that pain, I just felt it, I just thought that I was probably sound selfish, but outside of that could have been me. And I don't mean necessarily with him. But if I have healed, why he healed in that process of breaking away from him, I would have got into another relationship. And another one, and another one. And at one point, I got attached to the point where there was no break the addiction, you know, and that could have been me. And I just think
Unknown Speaker 47:50
Unknown Speaker 47:52
Unknown Speaker 47:56
in terms of I'd heard through the grapevine from somebody else, and again, I was like, Well, again, how do I know what's I don't know that that's necessarily their relationship, something could have happened to them all sorts of factors. It's someone's perception, you'll never know, because I've never I've not spoken to that person.
Unknown Speaker 48:14
And then someone had, you know, heard through the grapevine and
Unknown Speaker 48:19
and described how the, who's the husband had been treating art and I was just like, yeah, oh, what would be your so like, just to in the way of was closing this up? The race, there are so many, it's not just women, men as well, in a situation right now where they are.
Unknown Speaker 48:40
They are doubting themselves. They are probably like in depression,
Unknown Speaker 48:48
because they're so unhappy in that relationship, you know, all this strong that we've spoken about and in this in this hour.
Unknown Speaker 48:58
And they're still in that situation. Like if you see this woman right now, what would be your
Unknown Speaker 49:08
advice to her? What would be your words to her? What would be your words to if you could speak to this man's wife? Amy, you could have seen her before she did before she took her own life. What would you say to her
Unknown Speaker 49:31
I think it's hard for me to say that about this woman. But I have had another woman who has come through to me on to my videos on Tik Tok. And I've kind of coached her through
Unknown Speaker 49:44
not a similar kind of story but different. And the first thing I said to her was
Unknown Speaker 49:53
until you until you see until you don't see yourself as a victim. You're gonna end your stay with him. You've got you've
Unknown Speaker 50:00
got to decide that you are not a victim, that's, that's the, the first port of call is because as a victim, it's, it's, you're still gonna allow those things to happen to you. So when you go, I'm not a victim and I have a choice. Because there is always a choice, it's just a case of, it's usually a really bloody hard one, like really hard, like, you know, it's it's that choice, that that don't be a victim
Unknown Speaker 50:28
and make a choice. And once you make that choice I can I, you know, I can tell you, I can give you the tools that will that will help you move further and further up the confidence ladder to the point where you will recognise yourself, but I can't make that first step of you deciding that you're not a victim, that's a feeling inside you, as if you feel like a victim.
Unknown Speaker 50:48
Until you until you decide not to feel like that, I can't move forward with you because I can give you all the tools in the world, but you still are in that mentality. And
Unknown Speaker 51:01
and that's and that's and it's what point does someone everyone's rock bottom is different into it's everyone has a different
Unknown Speaker 51:11
baseline, you know, this
Unknown Speaker 51:15
and that. And again, that comes down to however badly you will treat as a child you will, you will accept an a massive amount of abuse depending on how much you will match it to the abuse that you had as a child. And it's not necessarily sexual abuse or physical abuse, it's the mental abuse to it's the and you'll and it's only until something goes above it that you'll go up and the pain is so much that then you will grow from that pain, but some people will stare in that pain.
Unknown Speaker 51:46
And just stare and just stare there, like so many people will just just stay in that pain because it matches the pain that they subconsciously remember. And they and even though it's painful.
Unknown Speaker 52:01
It becomes their normal and it's you know, it's it's scary that a lot of people live like that. And it's everyone gets product at a different time. And it's why did I get product when I got when or what why what? Why was that my clique? Why did you know?
Unknown Speaker 52:18
And I think well, at least it happened when I was 30 and not
Unknown Speaker 52:22
60 Lisa can still attempt to have a healthy. So essentially, until someone makes a decision for things to change, nothing is going to change until some things like decision to take back their own power from this situation. Because really, essentially, a dynamic thing is like someone else feeding off your own energy onto you make that decision that you're ready to
Unknown Speaker 52:50
take your power back from this dynamic nothing is going to change.
Unknown Speaker 52:55
Unknown Speaker 52:57
and that is different for every person. Yeah. But what encourages that feeling is being aware of it because then
Unknown Speaker 53:06
it grows. And if you become aware of that, that that that's how you're being tracked. You're looking in the mirror and you think there's you will be they'll come a breaking point.
Unknown Speaker 53:15
Unknown Speaker 53:17
that breaking point shouldn't be something that is fatal.
Folake Bee 53:25
And that's it. Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoy this week's episode. Next episode will be all about finding happiness through the vagina.
A word that sounds vulgar. Yes. No. What would you call it? I cannot wait for you to have a listening. Until then do follow me on the podcasting platform of your choice. And give us a like on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram using for like a day. I would also very much love if you can rate and review this episode. We're doing so well already and we are climbing up the ranks. bots will really appreciate your support in any way you can. If you have any questions or feedback please also do get in touch as I love hearing from you. If you're a solopreneur like myself, do join the solopreneur collective private group on Facebook. And don't forget to keep spreading the love. Never stopped the healing. Take care and join me again soon for another episode of the healing centre
Transcribed by https://otter.ai